Well, as of late things haven't exactly been too great.
Although my probation is now over, and Old Navy is keeping me rather than being just seasonal help.
In other aspects of life, alot of them suck, or aren't as good as they should be.
My band needs to find a new place to jam, get more shows (we barely play any), we need to get merch, and some other shit off the ground, too. I know the others in the band love me, but alot of times I feel so left out. Like I'm the "least favorite" is the best way I could put it, Rob, Steve, Justin, and Brutal Matt are all so close, and I'm just kinda standing in corner waiting to be talked to. I know that alot of that has to do with the fact that I'm not around as much as I'd like to be becuz of where I live.
Lately, I've been in horrible moods, taking them out on others and myself. Sometimes I can't help it becuz I do bury alot of emotions, and it's very hard for me to speak up and put my feelings into words. I've buried emotions for so long, I know that I'm good at hiding it. Nobody cares to see that, I feel things very deeply and strongly. Most people only see what's on the surface, but not what I have that's farther than skin deep. My unhappiness is tearing me apart, it's caused me to make improper desicisions and lead myself onto a path I don't want to be. I know that I and only I can change that, but having some support from ones who are clsoe to me would help.
I'm pretty much broke, and haven't been managing the money I do have very well. I'm supposed to sign up for school but of course, I wait til last minute and I'm gonna get the shittiest classes at the shitties times. I want to go to school but at the same time, I totally fucking don't. I'm not relying on the band to bail me out, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. It's becuz I've fucked up some much throughout school I feel as if there's no possible way for me to make it all up.
For awhile now, I've had this desire to meet new friends or at least regain old ones I was very fond of. Yet it seems that other than the band, nobody wants anything to do with me. That hurts, I don't know what's so bad about me. I try to be friendly, or whatever. And as everyone else, I can be an asshole, one of the biggest you'll ever know, but I believe and know that I'm generally nice, fun, caring guy. So, I constantly wonder why nobody ever wants to hang out with me or anything. Apparently though, to others who were close to me, I'm just a selfish bastard whom just takes advantage. On the inside, that's not me at all.
This really sucks, I've been so fed up lately and lost so much confidence and what not that, for the first time in a long time, I'm finally breaking down, nad here I sit writing in my LJ as if someone actually gives a shit.
not really done but I'm calling it quits for now.